Dear Asshole

Dear Asshole,
Did someone pee on your waffle yesterday morning? How did you rationalize this in your head? Did you break a nail writing it? Being an asshole comes as easy to you as breathing and picking your nose on the 405. You DEFINITELY pick your nose on the 405, don't you? And probably at the dinner table on a first date. I was seriously half hoping my new neighbors would be vampires who tell scary stories about how they torment assholes with parking issues. But no...my neighbors are the assholes with parking issues. Street parking...figure it out. And PIG? I will SLAP you. Hard. I mean holy shit, I am seriously contemplating taking this note to a shrink that can help me better understand how someone is so mentally outraged by...wait for it...a parking space...to leave a note like that. I dig that you write in all caps though -- I have always wanted to try that. But that's not my point...my point is you are an asshole. Are you one of those people who keys cars that are bigger than yours in shopping mall parking lots? Do you leave them notes? Like..."HEY JERKWAD! Your tire is touching the painted line in my space. I'm calling my cool friend Britney Spears at the FBI and reporting you to immigration." Do you carry a yellow legal pad with you at all times? I hope so. I wouldn't want you to have to go out of your way to find some paper to write asshole notes on because clearly the world is a better place so long as you avoid inconveniencing yourself in any way -- like, for instance, walking more than 10 steps from your car to your front door. Hey did you know that in Santa Monica street parking sucks? Maybe go leave a letter on the mayor's doorstep saying "HEY MR. MAYOR PIG!* I need reserved parking wherever I go because I'm an ASSHOLE." Make sure you say "Mr." when addressing the mayor...I'm sure you don't want to offend anyone. I don't know you...but I certainly don't ever want to. I wasn't kidding. I'll slap you. If you ever leave another note on my boyfriend's car...if I so much as hear a piece of paper being ripped from a notepad in the stillness of the night, I will have Officer Sanchez put you in the electric chair. He will take my side because I guarantee I'm immeasurably hotter than you.

Love,
Cassy

*That was a hypothetical quote...I was not calling the mayor a P*g. Because that would make me an asshole.

Silence is Golden

I had to demo how to hit slides yesterday in front of 40 giggly girls with really high expectations. My oversized self hasn’t left the ground in at least 3 months – and the last time I jumped (3 months ago) was the first time then that I had jumped in probably 3 months. You see a pattern developing, I imagine. I think I pulled an ab. And crushed the high hopes of those innocent young campers while I was at it. I swear to heaven I used to be able to do it…really.


Funny how things change.


SPEAKING OF CHANGE…the reason I took a sabbatical from my pet blog was to change. I moved from beautiful Laguna Beach to Santa Monica to start my new job (a job I have wanted since back when I could hit slides without pulling an ab). I have yet to decide if I think it’s beautiful up here. And should I find Santa Monica and LA to be beautiful, it will be in a weird artsy way that finds graffiti to be thought provoking and car horns to be melodic.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that although I have been in LA for 2 weeks now, I still have not unpacked much of anything that hasn’t been worn in the past two weeks. Tonight. Promise. But then again, tonight is the season premier of Gossip Girl. XoXo. I haven’t followed Gossip Girl religiously since I lived in Greece and streamed each episode on my computer while eating obscene amounts of stove popped popcorn in an attempt to feel less on-another-continent. I may give it a go tonight and see if the show has any redeeming entertainment value that doesn’t revolve around petty bullshit…I doubt it, so I will probably just stick to The Vampire Diaries.

I so hope vampires really do exist. If they do, I bet you they live in Santa Monica. As fate would have it, they’re probably my new neighbors. Maybe I’ll bake a pie tonight.

SPEAKING OF VAMPIRES…New Moon comes out November 20th (Googled it, I swear – AND made Google $4, for those of you who pay attention). I hope they made it a bit darker and a little less Disney than Twilight. That would make it so much easier to defend to my friends that hold me on a pedestal for being a badass. Dakota Fanning is in this one though, so I’m not holding my breath...although she does sport red eyeballs in New Moon. Last I saw Dakota Fanning was in The Secret Life of Bees and when she kissed a boy in the movie I felt this really weird cognitive dissonance like she was way too young to be locking lips with anything besides the back of her own hand wrapped around an imaginary boyfriend tree. It’s kind of like watching ET and then having to deal with the fact that little Drew Barrymore started smoking cigs at 9. Or like watching me play volleyball in 2003 and six years later having to cope with the fact that spandex don’t make your butt jiggle less (trying to bring this full circle..???) Not that Dakota smokes or has a jiggly ass but…anyway…I hope she at least like kills someone in this movie.

Anyone have any good pie recipes?