Dear Asshole

Dear Asshole,
Did someone pee on your waffle yesterday morning? How did you rationalize this in your head? Did you break a nail writing it? Being an asshole comes as easy to you as breathing and picking your nose on the 405. You DEFINITELY pick your nose on the 405, don't you? And probably at the dinner table on a first date. I was seriously half hoping my new neighbors would be vampires who tell scary stories about how they torment assholes with parking issues. But no...my neighbors are the assholes with parking issues. Street parking...figure it out. And PIG? I will SLAP you. Hard. I mean holy shit, I am seriously contemplating taking this note to a shrink that can help me better understand how someone is so mentally outraged by...wait for it...a parking space...to leave a note like that. I dig that you write in all caps though -- I have always wanted to try that. But that's not my point...my point is you are an asshole. Are you one of those people who keys cars that are bigger than yours in shopping mall parking lots? Do you leave them notes? Like..."HEY JERKWAD! Your tire is touching the painted line in my space. I'm calling my cool friend Britney Spears at the FBI and reporting you to immigration." Do you carry a yellow legal pad with you at all times? I hope so. I wouldn't want you to have to go out of your way to find some paper to write asshole notes on because clearly the world is a better place so long as you avoid inconveniencing yourself in any way -- like, for instance, walking more than 10 steps from your car to your front door. Hey did you know that in Santa Monica street parking sucks? Maybe go leave a letter on the mayor's doorstep saying "HEY MR. MAYOR PIG!* I need reserved parking wherever I go because I'm an ASSHOLE." Make sure you say "Mr." when addressing the mayor...I'm sure you don't want to offend anyone. I don't know you...but I certainly don't ever want to. I wasn't kidding. I'll slap you. If you ever leave another note on my boyfriend's car...if I so much as hear a piece of paper being ripped from a notepad in the stillness of the night, I will have Officer Sanchez put you in the electric chair. He will take my side because I guarantee I'm immeasurably hotter than you.

Love,
Cassy

*That was a hypothetical quote...I was not calling the mayor a P*g. Because that would make me an asshole.